THESTORYOFMYLIFE
CHAPTERI
IwasbornonJune27,1880,inTuscumbia,alittletownofnorthernAlabama.
Thefamilyonmyfather'ssideisdescendedfromCasparKeller,anativeofSwitzerland,whosettledinMaryland.OneofmySwissancestorswasthefirstteacherofthedeafinZurichandwroteabookonthesubjectoftheireducation-ratherasingularcoincidence;thoughitistruethatthereisnokingwhohasnothadaslaveamonghisancestors,andnoslavewhohasnothadakingamonghis.
Mygrandfather,CasparKeller'sson,"entered"largetractsoflandinAlabamaandfinallysettledthere.IhavebeentoldthatonceayearhewentfromTuscumbiatoPhiladelphiaonhorsebacktopurchasesuppliesfortheplantation,andmyaunthasinherpossessionmanyoftheletterstohisfamily,whichgivecharmingandvividaccountsofthesetrips.
MyGrandmotherKellerwasadaughterofoneofLafayette'saides,AlexanderMoore,andgranddaughterofAlexanderSpotswood,anearlyColonialGovernorofVirginia.ShewasalsosecondcousintoRobertE.Lee.
Myfather,ArthurH.Keller,wasacaptainintheConfederateArmy,andmymother,KateAdams,washissecondwifeandmanyyearsyounger.Hergrandfather,BenjaminAdams,marriedSusannaE.Goodhue,andlivedinNewbury,Massachusetts,formanyyears.Theirson,CharlesAdams,wasborninNewburyport,Massachusetts,andmovedtoHelena,Arkansas.WhentheCivilWarbrokeout,hefoughtonthesideoftheSouthandbecameabrigadier-general.HemarriedLucyHelenEverett,whobelongedtothesamefamilyofEverettsasEdwardEverettandDr.EdwardEverettHale.AfterthewarwasoverthefamilymovedtoMemphis,Tennessee.
Ilived,uptothetimeoftheillnessthatdeprivedmeofmysightandhearing,inatinyhouseconsistingofalargesquareroomandasmallone,inwhichtheservantslept.ItisacustomintheSouthtobuildasmallhousenearthehomesteadasanannextobeusedonoccasion.SuchahousemyfatherbuiltaftertheCivilWar,andwhenhemarriedmymothertheywenttoliveinit.Itwascompletelycoveredwithvines,climbingrosesandhoneysuckles.Fromthegardenitlookedlikeanarbour.ThelittleporchwashiddenfromviewbyascreenofyellowrosesandSouthernsmilax.Itwasthefavouritehauntofhumming-birdsandbees.
TheKellerhomestead,wherethefamilylived,wasafewstepsfromourlittlerose-bower.Itwascalled"IvyGreen"becausethehouseandthesurroundingtreesandfenceswerecoveredwithbeautifulEnglishivy.Itsold-fashionedgardenwastheparadiseofmychildhood.
Eveninthedaysbeforemyteachercame,Iusedtofeelalongthesquarestiffboxwoodhedges,and,guidedbythesenseofsmell,wouldfindthefirstvioletsandlilies.There,too,afterafitoftemper,Iwenttofindcomfortandtohidemyhotfaceinthecoolleavesandgrass.Whatjoyitwastolosemyselfinthatgardenofflowers,towanderhappilyfromspottospot,until,comingsuddenlyuponabeautifulvine,Irecognizeditbyitsleavesandblossoms,andknewitwasthevinewhichcoveredthetumble-downsummer-houseatthefartherendofthegarden!Here,also,weretrailingclematis,droopingjessamine,andsomeraresweetflowerscalledbutterflylilies,becausetheirfragilepetalsresemblebutterflies'wings.Buttheroses–theywereloveliestofall.NeverhaveIfoundinthegreenhousesoftheNorthsuchheart-satisfyingrosesastheclimbingrosesofmysouthernhome.Theyusedtohanginlongfestoonsfromourporch,fillingthewholeairwiththeirfragrance,untaintedbyanyearthysmell;andintheearlymorning,washedinthedew,theyfeltsosoft,sopure,IcouldnothelpwonderingiftheydidnotresembletheasphodelsofGod'sgarden.
Thebeginningofmylifewassimpleandmuchlikeeveryotherlittlelife.Icame,Isaw,Iconquered,asthefirstbabyinthefamilyalwaysdoes.Therewastheusualamountofdiscussionastoanameforme.Thefirstbabyinthefamilywasnottobelightlynamed,everyonewasemphaticaboutthat.MyfathersuggestedthenameofMildredCampbell,anancestorwhomhehighlyesteemed,andhedeclinedtotakeanyfurtherpartinthediscussion.MymothersolvedtheproblembygivingitasherwishthatIshouldbecalledafterhermother,whosemaidennamewasHelenEverett.Butintheexcitementofcarryingmetochurchmyfatherlostthenameontheway,verynaturally,sinceitwasoneinwhichhehaddeclinedtohaveapart.Whentheministeraskedhimforit,hejustrememberedthatithadbeendecidedtocallmeaftermygrandmother,andhegavehernameasHelenAdams.
IamtoldthatwhileIwasstillinlongdressesIshowedmanysignsofaneager,self-assertingdisposition.EverythingthatIsawotherpeopledoIinsisteduponimitating.AtsixmonthsIcouldpipeout"Howd'ye,"andonedayIattractedeveryone'sattentionbysaying"Tea,tea,tea"quiteplainly.EvenaftermyillnessIrememberedoneofthewordsIhadlearnedintheseearlymonths.Itwastheword"water,"andIcontinuedtomakesomesoundforthatwordafterallotherspeechwaslost.Iceasedmakingthesound"wah-wah"onlywhenIlearnedtospelltheword.
TheytellmeIwalkedthedayIwasayearold.Mymotherhadjusttakenmeoutofthebath-tubandwasholdingmeinherlap,whenIwassuddenlyattractedbytheflickeringshadowsofleavesthatdancedinthesunlightonthesmoothfloor.Islippedfrommymother'slapandalmostrantowardthem.Theimpulsegone,Ifelldownandcriedforhertotakemeupinherarms.
Thesehappydaysdidnotlastlong.Onebriefspring,musicalwiththesongofrobinandmocking-bird,onesummerrichinfruitandroses,oneautumnofgoldandcrimsonspedbyandlefttheirgiftsatthefeetofaneager,delightedchild.Then,inthedrearymonthofFebruary,cametheillnesswhichclosedmyeyesandearsandplungedmeintotheunconsciousnessofanew-bornbaby.Theycalleditacutecongestionofthestomachandbrain.ThedoctorthoughtIcouldnotlive.Earlyonemorning,however,thefeverleftmeassuddenlyandmysteriouslyasithadcome.Therewasgreatrejoicinginthefamilythatmorning,butnoone,noteventhedoctor,knewthatIshouldneverseeorhearagain.
IfancyIstillhaveconfusedrecollectionsofthatillness.Iespeciallyrememberthetendernesswithwhichmymothertriedtosoothemeinmywakinghoursoffretandpain,andtheagonyandbewildermentwithwhichIawokeafteratossinghalfsleep,andturnedmyeyes,sodryandhot,tothewall,awayfromtheonce-lovedlight,whichcametomedimandyetmoredimeachday.But,exceptforthesefleetingsmemories,if,indeed,theybememories,itallseemsveryunreal,likeanightmare.GraduallyIgotusedtothesilenceanddarknessthatsurroundedmeandforgotthatithadeverbeendifferent,untilshecame–myteacher–whowastosetmyspiritfree.ButduringthefirstnineteenmonthsofmylifeIhadcaughtglimpsesofbroad,greenfields,aluminoussky,treesandflowerswhichthedarknessthatfollowedcouldnotwhollyblotout.Ifwehaveonceseen,"thedayisours,andwhatthedayhasshown."
CHAPTERII
ICANNOTrecallwhathappenedduringthefirstmonthsaftermyillness.IonlyknowthatIsatinmymother'slaporclungtoherdressasshewentaboutherhouseholdduties.Myhandsfelteveryobjectandobservedeverymotion,andinthiswayIlearnedtoknowmanythings.SoonIfelttheneedofsomecommunicationwithothersandbegantomakecrudesigns.Ashakeoftheheadmeant"No"andanod,"Yes,"apullmeant"Come"andapush,"Go."WasitbreadthatIwanted?ThenIwouldimitatetheactsofcuttingtheslicesandbutteringthem.IfIwantedmymothertomakeice-creamfordinnerImadethesignforworkingthefreezerandshivered,indicatingcold.Mymother,moreover,succeededinmakingmeunderstandagooddeal.Ialwaysknewwhenshewishedmetobringhersomething,andIwouldrunupstairsoranywhereelsesheindicated.Indeed,Iowetoherlovingwisdomallthatwasbrightandgoodinmylongnight.
Iunderstoodagooddealofwhatwasgoingonaboutme.AtfiveIlearnedtofoldandputawaythecleanclotheswhentheywerebroughtinfromthelaundry,andIdistinguishedmyownfromtherest.Iknewbythewaymymotherandauntdressedwhentheyweregoingout,andIinvariablybeggedtogowiththem.Iwasalwayssentforwhentherewascompany,andwhenthegueststooktheirleave,Iwavedmyhandtothem,Ithinkwithavagueremembranceofthemeaningofthegesture.Onedaysomegentlemencalledonmymother,andIfelttheshuttingofthefrontdoorandothersoundsthatindicatedtheirarrival.OnasuddenthoughtIranupstairsbeforeanyonecouldstopme,toputonmyideaofacompanydress.Standingbeforethemirror,asIhadseenothersdo,Ianointedmineheadwithoilandcoveredmyfacethicklywithpowder.ThenIpinnedaveilovermyheadsothatitcoveredmyfaceandfellinfoldsdowntomyshoulders,andtiedanenormousbustleroundmysmallwaist,sothatitdangledbehind,almostmeetingthehemofmyskirt.ThusattiredIwentdowntohelpentertainthecompany.
IdonotrememberwhenIfirstrealizedthatIwasdifferentfromotherpeople;butIknewitbeforemyteachercametome.IhadnoticedthatmymotherandmyfriendsdidnotusesignsasIdidwhentheywantedanythingdone,buttalkedwiththeirmouths.SometimesIstoodbetweentwopersonswhowereconversingandtouchedtheirlips.Icouldnotunderstand,andwasvexed.Imovedmylipsandgesticulatedfranticallywithoutresult.ThismademesoangryattimesthatIkickedandscreameduntilIwasexhausted.
IthinkIknewwhenIwasnaughty,forIknewthatithurtElla,mynurse,tokickher,andwhenmyfitoftemperwasoverIhadafeelingakintoregret.ButIcannotrememberanyinstanceinwhichthisfeelingpreventedmefromrepeatingthenaughtinesswhenIfailedtogetwhatIwanted.
Inthosedaysalittlecolouredgirl,MarthaWashington,thechildofourcook,andBelle,anoldsetter,andagreathunterinherday,weremyconstantcompanions.MarthaWashingtonunderstoodmysigns,andIseldomhadanydifficultyinmakingherdojustasIwished.Itpleasedmetodomineeroverher,andshegenerallysubmittedtomytyrannyratherthanriskahand-to-handencounter.Iwasstrong,active,indifferenttoconsequences.Iknewmyownmindwellenoughandalwayshadmyownway,evenifIhadtofighttoothandnailforit.Wespentagreatdealoftimeinthekitchen,kneadingdoughballs,helpingmakeice-cream,grindingcoffee,quarrelingoverthecake-bowl,andfeedingthehensandturkeysthatswarmedaboutthekitchensteps.Manyofthemweresotamethattheywouldeatfrommyhandandletmefeelthem.Onebiggobblersnatchedatomatofrommeonedayandranawaywithit.Inspired,perhaps,byMasterGobbler'ssuccess,wecarriedofftothewoodpileacakewhichthecookhadjustfrosted,andateeverybitofit.Iwasquiteillafterward,andIwonderifretributionalsoovertooktheturkey.
Theguinea-fowllikestohidehernestinout-of-the-wayplaces,anditwasoneofmygreatestdelightstohuntfortheeggsinthelonggrass.IcouldnottellMarthaWashingtonwhenIwantedtogoegg-hunting,butIwoulddoublemyhandsandputthemontheground,whichmeantsomethingroundinthegrass,andMarthaalwaysunderstood.WhenwewerefortunateenoughtofindanestIneverallowedhertocarrytheeggshome,makingherunderstandbyemphaticsignsthatshemightfallandbreakthem.
Theshedswherethecornwasstored,thestablewherethehorseswerekept,andtheyardwherethecowsweremilkedmorningandeveningwereunfailingsourcesofinteresttoMarthaandme.Themilkerswouldletmekeepmyhandsonthecowswhiletheymilked,andIoftengotwellswitchedbythecowformycuriosity.
ThemakingreadyforChristmaswasalwaysadelighttome.OfcourseIdidnotknowwhatitwasallabout,butIenjoyedthepleasantodoursthatfilledthehouseandthetidbitsthatweregiventoMarthaWashingtonandmetokeepusquiet.Weweresadlyintheway,butthatdidnotinterferewithourpleasureintheleast.Theyallowedustogrindthespices,pickovertheraisinsandlickthestirringspoons.Ihungmystockingbecausetheothersdid;Icannotremember,however,thattheceremonyinterestedmeespecially,nordidmycuriositycausemetowakebeforedaylighttolookformygifts.
MarthaWashingtonhadasgreataloveofmischiefasI.TwolittlechildrenwereseatedontheverandastepsonehotJulyafternoon.Onewasblackasebony,withlittlebunchesoffuzzyhairtiedwithshoestringsstickingoutalloverherheadlikecorkscrews.Theotherwaswhite,withlonggoldencurls.Onechildwassixyearsold,theothertwoorthreeyearsolder.Theyoungerchildwasblind–thatwasI–andtheotherwasMarthaWashington.Wewerebusycuttingoutpaperdolls;butwesoonweariedofthisamusement,andaftercuttingupourshoestringsandclippingalltheleavesoffthehoneysucklethatwerewithinreach,IturnedmyattentiontoMartha'scorkscrews.Sheobjectedatfirst,butfinallysubmitted.Thinkingthatturnandturnaboutisfairplay,sheseizedthescissorsandcutoffoneofmycurls,andwouldhavecutthemalloffbutformymother'stimelyinterference.
Belle,ourdog,myothercompanion,wasoldandlazyandlikedtosleepbytheopenfireratherthantorompwithme.Itriedhardtoteachhermysignlanguage,butshewasdullandinattentive.Shesometimesstartedandquiveredwithexcitement,thenshebecameperfectlyrigid,asdogsdowhentheypointabird.IdidnotthenknowwhyBelleactedinthisway;butIknewshewasnotdoingasIwished.Thisvexedmeandthelessonalwaysendedinaone-sidedboxingmatch.Bellewouldgetup,stretchherselflazily,giveoneortwocontemptuoussniffs,gototheoppositesideofthehearthandliedownagain,andI,weariedanddisappointed,wentoffinsearchofMartha.
Manyincidentsofthoseearlyyearsarefixedinmymemory,isolated,butclearanddistinct,makingthesenseofthatsilent,aimless,daylesslifeallthemoreintense.
OnedayIhappenedtospillwateronmyapron,andIspreaditouttodrybeforethefirewhichwasflickeringonthesitting-roomhearth.Theaprondidnotdryquicklyenoughtosuitme,soIdrewnearerandthrewitrightoverthehotashes.Thefireleapedintolife;theflamesencircledmesothatinamomentmyclotheswereblazing.ImadeaterrifiednoisethatbroughtViny,myoldnurse,totherescue.Throwingablanketoverme,shealmostsuffocatedme,butsheputoutthefire.ExceptformyhandsandhairIwasnotbadlyburned.
AboutthistimeIfoundouttheuseofakey.OnemorningIlockedmymotherupinthepantry,whereshewasobligedtoremainthreehours,astheservantswereinadetachedpartofthehouse.Shekeptpoundingonthedoor,whileIsatoutsideontheporchstepsandlaughedwithgleeasIfeltthejarofthepounding.ThismostnaughtyprankofmineconvincedmyparentsthatImustbetaughtassoonaspossible.Aftermyteacher,MissSullivan,cametome,Isoughtanearlyopportunitytolockherinherroom.IwentupstairswithsomethingwhichmymothermademeunderstandIwastogivetoMissSullivan;butnosoonerhadIgivenittoherthanIslammedthedoorto,lockedit,andhidthekeyunderthewardrobeinthehall.Icouldnotbeinducedtotellwherethekeywas.MyfatherwasobligedtogetaladderandtakeMissSullivanoutthroughthewindow–muchtomydelight.MonthsafterIproducedthekey.
WhenIwasaboutfiveyearsoldwemovedfromthelittlevine-coveredhousetoalargenewone.Thefamilyconsistedofmyfatherandmother,twoolderhalf-brothers,and,afterward,alittlesister,Mildred.Myearliestdistinctrecollectionofmyfatherismakingmywaythroughgreatdriftsofnewspaperstohissideandfindinghimalone,holdingasheetofpaperbeforehisface.Iwasgreatlypuzzledtoknowwhathewasdoing.Iimitatedthisaction,evenwearinghisspectacles,thinkingtheymighthelpsolvethemystery.ButIdidnotfindoutthesecretforseveralyears.ThenIlearnedwhatthosepaperswere,andthatmyfathereditedoneofthem.
Myfatherwasmostlovingandindulgent,devotedtohishome,seldomleavingus,exceptinthehuntingseason.Hewasagreathunter,Ihavebeentold,andacelebratedshot.Nexttohisfamilyhelovedhisdogsandgun.Hishospitalitywasgreat,almosttoafault,andheseldomcamehomewithoutbringingaguest.Hisspecialpridewasthebiggardenwhere,itwassaid,heraisedthefinestwatermelonsandstrawberriesinthecounty;andtomehebroughtthefirstripegrapesandthechoicestberries.Irememberhiscaressingtouchasheledmefromtreetotree,fromvinetovine,andhiseagerdelightinwhateverpleasedme.
Hewasafamousstory-teller;afterIhadacquiredlanguageheusedtospellclumsilyintomyhandhiscleverestanecdotes,andnothingpleasedhimmorethantohavemerepeatthematanopportunemoment.
IwasintheNorth,enjoyingthelastbeautifuldaysofthesummerof1896,whenIheardthenewsofmyfather'sdeath.Hehadhadashortillness,therehadbeenabrieftimeofacutesuffering,thenallwasover.Thiswasmyfirstgreatsorrow-myfirstpersonalexperiencewithdeath.
HowshallIwriteofmymother?Sheissoneartomethatitalmostseemsindelicatetospeakofher.
ForalongtimeIregardedmylittlesisterasanintruder.IknewthatIhadceasedtobemymother'sonlydarling,andthethoughtfilledmewithjealousy.Shesatinmymother'slapconstantly,whereIusedtosit,andseemedtotakeupallhercareandtime.Onedaysomethinghappenedwhichseemedtometobeaddinginsulttoinjury.
AtthattimeIhadamuch-petted,much-abuseddoll,whichIafterwardnamedNancy.Shewas,alas,thehelplessvictimofmyoutburstsoftemperandofaffection,sothatshebecamemuchtheworseforwear.Ihaddollswhichtalked,andcried,andopenedandshuttheireyes;yetIneverlovedoneofthemasIlovedpoorNancy.Shehadacradle,andIoftenspentanhourormorerockingher.Iguardedbothdollandcradlewiththemostjealouscare;butonceIdiscoveredmylittlesistersleepingpeacefullyinthecradle.AtthispresumptiononthepartofonetowhomasyetnotieofloveboundmeIgrewangry.Irusheduponthecradleandoverturnedit,andthebabymighthavebeenkilledhadmymothernotcaughtherasshefell.Thusitisthatwhenwewalkinthevalleyoftwofoldsolitudeweknowlittleofthetenderaffectionsthatgrowoutofendearingwordsandactionsandcompanionship.Butafterward,whenIwasrestoredtomyhumanheritage,MildredandIgrewintoeachother'shearts,sothatwewerecontenttogohand-in-handwherevercapriceledus,althoughshecouldnotunderstandmyfingerlanguage,norIherchildishprattle.
CHAPTERI
IwasbornonJune27,1880,inTuscumbia,alittletownofnorthernAlabama.
Thefamilyonmyfather'ssideisdescendedfromCasparKeller,anativeofSwitzerland,whosettledinMaryland.OneofmySwissancestorswasthefirstteacherofthedeafinZurichandwroteabookonthesubjectoftheireducation-ratherasingularcoincidence;thoughitistruethatthereisnokingwhohasnothadaslaveamonghisancestors,andnoslavewhohasnothadakingamonghis.
Mygrandfather,CasparKeller'sson,"entered"largetractsoflandinAlabamaandfinallysettledthere.IhavebeentoldthatonceayearhewentfromTuscumbiatoPhiladelphiaonhorsebacktopurchasesuppliesfortheplantation,andmyaunthasinherpossessionmanyoftheletterstohisfamily,whichgivecharmingandvividaccountsofthesetrips.
MyGrandmotherKellerwasadaughterofoneofLafayette'saides,AlexanderMoore,andgranddaughterofAlexanderSpotswood,anearlyColonialGovernorofVirginia.ShewasalsosecondcousintoRobertE.Lee.
Myfather,ArthurH.Keller,wasacaptainintheConfederateArmy,andmymother,KateAdams,washissecondwifeandmanyyearsyounger.Hergrandfather,BenjaminAdams,marriedSusannaE.Goodhue,andlivedinNewbury,Massachusetts,formanyyears.Theirson,CharlesAdams,wasborninNewburyport,Massachusetts,andmovedtoHelena,Arkansas.WhentheCivilWarbrokeout,hefoughtonthesideoftheSouthandbecameabrigadier-general.HemarriedLucyHelenEverett,whobelongedtothesamefamilyofEverettsasEdwardEverettandDr.EdwardEverettHale.AfterthewarwasoverthefamilymovedtoMemphis,Tennessee.
Ilived,uptothetimeoftheillnessthatdeprivedmeofmysightandhearing,inatinyhouseconsistingofalargesquareroomandasmallone,inwhichtheservantslept.ItisacustomintheSouthtobuildasmallhousenearthehomesteadasanannextobeusedonoccasion.SuchahousemyfatherbuiltaftertheCivilWar,andwhenhemarriedmymothertheywenttoliveinit.Itwascompletelycoveredwithvines,climbingrosesandhoneysuckles.Fromthegardenitlookedlikeanarbour.ThelittleporchwashiddenfromviewbyascreenofyellowrosesandSouthernsmilax.Itwasthefavouritehauntofhumming-birdsandbees.
TheKellerhomestead,wherethefamilylived,wasafewstepsfromourlittlerose-bower.Itwascalled"IvyGreen"becausethehouseandthesurroundingtreesandfenceswerecoveredwithbeautifulEnglishivy.Itsold-fashionedgardenwastheparadiseofmychildhood.
Eveninthedaysbeforemyteachercame,Iusedtofeelalongthesquarestiffboxwoodhedges,and,guidedbythesenseofsmell,wouldfindthefirstvioletsandlilies.There,too,afterafitoftemper,Iwenttofindcomfortandtohidemyhotfaceinthecoolleavesandgrass.Whatjoyitwastolosemyselfinthatgardenofflowers,towanderhappilyfromspottospot,until,comingsuddenlyuponabeautifulvine,Irecognizeditbyitsleavesandblossoms,andknewitwasthevinewhichcoveredthetumble-downsummer-houseatthefartherendofthegarden!Here,also,weretrailingclematis,droopingjessamine,andsomeraresweetflowerscalledbutterflylilies,becausetheirfragilepetalsresemblebutterflies'wings.Buttheroses–theywereloveliestofall.NeverhaveIfoundinthegreenhousesoftheNorthsuchheart-satisfyingrosesastheclimbingrosesofmysouthernhome.Theyusedtohanginlongfestoonsfromourporch,fillingthewholeairwiththeirfragrance,untaintedbyanyearthysmell;andintheearlymorning,washedinthedew,theyfeltsosoft,sopure,IcouldnothelpwonderingiftheydidnotresembletheasphodelsofGod'sgarden.
Thebeginningofmylifewassimpleandmuchlikeeveryotherlittlelife.Icame,Isaw,Iconquered,asthefirstbabyinthefamilyalwaysdoes.Therewastheusualamountofdiscussionastoanameforme.Thefirstbabyinthefamilywasnottobelightlynamed,everyonewasemphaticaboutthat.MyfathersuggestedthenameofMildredCampbell,anancestorwhomhehighlyesteemed,andhedeclinedtotakeanyfurtherpartinthediscussion.MymothersolvedtheproblembygivingitasherwishthatIshouldbecalledafterhermother,whosemaidennamewasHelenEverett.Butintheexcitementofcarryingmetochurchmyfatherlostthenameontheway,verynaturally,sinceitwasoneinwhichhehaddeclinedtohaveapart.Whentheministeraskedhimforit,hejustrememberedthatithadbeendecidedtocallmeaftermygrandmother,andhegavehernameasHelenAdams.
IamtoldthatwhileIwasstillinlongdressesIshowedmanysignsofaneager,self-assertingdisposition.EverythingthatIsawotherpeopledoIinsisteduponimitating.AtsixmonthsIcouldpipeout"Howd'ye,"andonedayIattractedeveryone'sattentionbysaying"Tea,tea,tea"quiteplainly.EvenaftermyillnessIrememberedoneofthewordsIhadlearnedintheseearlymonths.Itwastheword"water,"andIcontinuedtomakesomesoundforthatwordafterallotherspeechwaslost.Iceasedmakingthesound"wah-wah"onlywhenIlearnedtospelltheword.
TheytellmeIwalkedthedayIwasayearold.Mymotherhadjusttakenmeoutofthebath-tubandwasholdingmeinherlap,whenIwassuddenlyattractedbytheflickeringshadowsofleavesthatdancedinthesunlightonthesmoothfloor.Islippedfrommymother'slapandalmostrantowardthem.Theimpulsegone,Ifelldownandcriedforhertotakemeupinherarms.
Thesehappydaysdidnotlastlong.Onebriefspring,musicalwiththesongofrobinandmocking-bird,onesummerrichinfruitandroses,oneautumnofgoldandcrimsonspedbyandlefttheirgiftsatthefeetofaneager,delightedchild.Then,inthedrearymonthofFebruary,cametheillnesswhichclosedmyeyesandearsandplungedmeintotheunconsciousnessofanew-bornbaby.Theycalleditacutecongestionofthestomachandbrain.ThedoctorthoughtIcouldnotlive.Earlyonemorning,however,thefeverleftmeassuddenlyandmysteriouslyasithadcome.Therewasgreatrejoicinginthefamilythatmorning,butnoone,noteventhedoctor,knewthatIshouldneverseeorhearagain.
IfancyIstillhaveconfusedrecollectionsofthatillness.Iespeciallyrememberthetendernesswithwhichmymothertriedtosoothemeinmywakinghoursoffretandpain,andtheagonyandbewildermentwithwhichIawokeafteratossinghalfsleep,andturnedmyeyes,sodryandhot,tothewall,awayfromtheonce-lovedlight,whichcametomedimandyetmoredimeachday.But,exceptforthesefleetingsmemories,if,indeed,theybememories,itallseemsveryunreal,likeanightmare.GraduallyIgotusedtothesilenceanddarknessthatsurroundedmeandforgotthatithadeverbeendifferent,untilshecame–myteacher–whowastosetmyspiritfree.ButduringthefirstnineteenmonthsofmylifeIhadcaughtglimpsesofbroad,greenfields,aluminoussky,treesandflowerswhichthedarknessthatfollowedcouldnotwhollyblotout.Ifwehaveonceseen,"thedayisours,andwhatthedayhasshown."
CHAPTERII
ICANNOTrecallwhathappenedduringthefirstmonthsaftermyillness.IonlyknowthatIsatinmymother'slaporclungtoherdressasshewentaboutherhouseholdduties.Myhandsfelteveryobjectandobservedeverymotion,andinthiswayIlearnedtoknowmanythings.SoonIfelttheneedofsomecommunicationwithothersandbegantomakecrudesigns.Ashakeoftheheadmeant"No"andanod,"Yes,"apullmeant"Come"andapush,"Go."WasitbreadthatIwanted?ThenIwouldimitatetheactsofcuttingtheslicesandbutteringthem.IfIwantedmymothertomakeice-creamfordinnerImadethesignforworkingthefreezerandshivered,indicatingcold.Mymother,moreover,succeededinmakingmeunderstandagooddeal.Ialwaysknewwhenshewishedmetobringhersomething,andIwouldrunupstairsoranywhereelsesheindicated.Indeed,Iowetoherlovingwisdomallthatwasbrightandgoodinmylongnight.
Iunderstoodagooddealofwhatwasgoingonaboutme.AtfiveIlearnedtofoldandputawaythecleanclotheswhentheywerebroughtinfromthelaundry,andIdistinguishedmyownfromtherest.Iknewbythewaymymotherandauntdressedwhentheyweregoingout,andIinvariablybeggedtogowiththem.Iwasalwayssentforwhentherewascompany,andwhenthegueststooktheirleave,Iwavedmyhandtothem,Ithinkwithavagueremembranceofthemeaningofthegesture.Onedaysomegentlemencalledonmymother,andIfelttheshuttingofthefrontdoorandothersoundsthatindicatedtheirarrival.OnasuddenthoughtIranupstairsbeforeanyonecouldstopme,toputonmyideaofacompanydress.Standingbeforethemirror,asIhadseenothersdo,Ianointedmineheadwithoilandcoveredmyfacethicklywithpowder.ThenIpinnedaveilovermyheadsothatitcoveredmyfaceandfellinfoldsdowntomyshoulders,andtiedanenormousbustleroundmysmallwaist,sothatitdangledbehind,almostmeetingthehemofmyskirt.ThusattiredIwentdowntohelpentertainthecompany.
IdonotrememberwhenIfirstrealizedthatIwasdifferentfromotherpeople;butIknewitbeforemyteachercametome.IhadnoticedthatmymotherandmyfriendsdidnotusesignsasIdidwhentheywantedanythingdone,buttalkedwiththeirmouths.SometimesIstoodbetweentwopersonswhowereconversingandtouchedtheirlips.Icouldnotunderstand,andwasvexed.Imovedmylipsandgesticulatedfranticallywithoutresult.ThismademesoangryattimesthatIkickedandscreameduntilIwasexhausted.
IthinkIknewwhenIwasnaughty,forIknewthatithurtElla,mynurse,tokickher,andwhenmyfitoftemperwasoverIhadafeelingakintoregret.ButIcannotrememberanyinstanceinwhichthisfeelingpreventedmefromrepeatingthenaughtinesswhenIfailedtogetwhatIwanted.
Inthosedaysalittlecolouredgirl,MarthaWashington,thechildofourcook,andBelle,anoldsetter,andagreathunterinherday,weremyconstantcompanions.MarthaWashingtonunderstoodmysigns,andIseldomhadanydifficultyinmakingherdojustasIwished.Itpleasedmetodomineeroverher,andshegenerallysubmittedtomytyrannyratherthanriskahand-to-handencounter.Iwasstrong,active,indifferenttoconsequences.Iknewmyownmindwellenoughandalwayshadmyownway,evenifIhadtofighttoothandnailforit.Wespentagreatdealoftimeinthekitchen,kneadingdoughballs,helpingmakeice-cream,grindingcoffee,quarrelingoverthecake-bowl,andfeedingthehensandturkeysthatswarmedaboutthekitchensteps.Manyofthemweresotamethattheywouldeatfrommyhandandletmefeelthem.Onebiggobblersnatchedatomatofrommeonedayandranawaywithit.Inspired,perhaps,byMasterGobbler'ssuccess,wecarriedofftothewoodpileacakewhichthecookhadjustfrosted,andateeverybitofit.Iwasquiteillafterward,andIwonderifretributionalsoovertooktheturkey.
Theguinea-fowllikestohidehernestinout-of-the-wayplaces,anditwasoneofmygreatestdelightstohuntfortheeggsinthelonggrass.IcouldnottellMarthaWashingtonwhenIwantedtogoegg-hunting,butIwoulddoublemyhandsandputthemontheground,whichmeantsomethingroundinthegrass,andMarthaalwaysunderstood.WhenwewerefortunateenoughtofindanestIneverallowedhertocarrytheeggshome,makingherunderstandbyemphaticsignsthatshemightfallandbreakthem.
Theshedswherethecornwasstored,thestablewherethehorseswerekept,andtheyardwherethecowsweremilkedmorningandeveningwereunfailingsourcesofinteresttoMarthaandme.Themilkerswouldletmekeepmyhandsonthecowswhiletheymilked,andIoftengotwellswitchedbythecowformycuriosity.
ThemakingreadyforChristmaswasalwaysadelighttome.OfcourseIdidnotknowwhatitwasallabout,butIenjoyedthepleasantodoursthatfilledthehouseandthetidbitsthatweregiventoMarthaWashingtonandmetokeepusquiet.Weweresadlyintheway,butthatdidnotinterferewithourpleasureintheleast.Theyallowedustogrindthespices,pickovertheraisinsandlickthestirringspoons.Ihungmystockingbecausetheothersdid;Icannotremember,however,thattheceremonyinterestedmeespecially,nordidmycuriositycausemetowakebeforedaylighttolookformygifts.
MarthaWashingtonhadasgreataloveofmischiefasI.TwolittlechildrenwereseatedontheverandastepsonehotJulyafternoon.Onewasblackasebony,withlittlebunchesoffuzzyhairtiedwithshoestringsstickingoutalloverherheadlikecorkscrews.Theotherwaswhite,withlonggoldencurls.Onechildwassixyearsold,theothertwoorthreeyearsolder.Theyoungerchildwasblind–thatwasI–andtheotherwasMarthaWashington.Wewerebusycuttingoutpaperdolls;butwesoonweariedofthisamusement,andaftercuttingupourshoestringsandclippingalltheleavesoffthehoneysucklethatwerewithinreach,IturnedmyattentiontoMartha'scorkscrews.Sheobjectedatfirst,butfinallysubmitted.Thinkingthatturnandturnaboutisfairplay,sheseizedthescissorsandcutoffoneofmycurls,andwouldhavecutthemalloffbutformymother'stimelyinterference.
Belle,ourdog,myothercompanion,wasoldandlazyandlikedtosleepbytheopenfireratherthantorompwithme.Itriedhardtoteachhermysignlanguage,butshewasdullandinattentive.Shesometimesstartedandquiveredwithexcitement,thenshebecameperfectlyrigid,asdogsdowhentheypointabird.IdidnotthenknowwhyBelleactedinthisway;butIknewshewasnotdoingasIwished.Thisvexedmeandthelessonalwaysendedinaone-sidedboxingmatch.Bellewouldgetup,stretchherselflazily,giveoneortwocontemptuoussniffs,gototheoppositesideofthehearthandliedownagain,andI,weariedanddisappointed,wentoffinsearchofMartha.
Manyincidentsofthoseearlyyearsarefixedinmymemory,isolated,butclearanddistinct,makingthesenseofthatsilent,aimless,daylesslifeallthemoreintense.
OnedayIhappenedtospillwateronmyapron,andIspreaditouttodrybeforethefirewhichwasflickeringonthesitting-roomhearth.Theaprondidnotdryquicklyenoughtosuitme,soIdrewnearerandthrewitrightoverthehotashes.Thefireleapedintolife;theflamesencircledmesothatinamomentmyclotheswereblazing.ImadeaterrifiednoisethatbroughtViny,myoldnurse,totherescue.Throwingablanketoverme,shealmostsuffocatedme,butsheputoutthefire.ExceptformyhandsandhairIwasnotbadlyburned.
AboutthistimeIfoundouttheuseofakey.OnemorningIlockedmymotherupinthepantry,whereshewasobligedtoremainthreehours,astheservantswereinadetachedpartofthehouse.Shekeptpoundingonthedoor,whileIsatoutsideontheporchstepsandlaughedwithgleeasIfeltthejarofthepounding.ThismostnaughtyprankofmineconvincedmyparentsthatImustbetaughtassoonaspossible.Aftermyteacher,MissSullivan,cametome,Isoughtanearlyopportunitytolockherinherroom.IwentupstairswithsomethingwhichmymothermademeunderstandIwastogivetoMissSullivan;butnosoonerhadIgivenittoherthanIslammedthedoorto,lockedit,andhidthekeyunderthewardrobeinthehall.Icouldnotbeinducedtotellwherethekeywas.MyfatherwasobligedtogetaladderandtakeMissSullivanoutthroughthewindow–muchtomydelight.MonthsafterIproducedthekey.
WhenIwasaboutfiveyearsoldwemovedfromthelittlevine-coveredhousetoalargenewone.Thefamilyconsistedofmyfatherandmother,twoolderhalf-brothers,and,afterward,alittlesister,Mildred.Myearliestdistinctrecollectionofmyfatherismakingmywaythroughgreatdriftsofnewspaperstohissideandfindinghimalone,holdingasheetofpaperbeforehisface.Iwasgreatlypuzzledtoknowwhathewasdoing.Iimitatedthisaction,evenwearinghisspectacles,thinkingtheymighthelpsolvethemystery.ButIdidnotfindoutthesecretforseveralyears.ThenIlearnedwhatthosepaperswere,andthatmyfathereditedoneofthem.
Myfatherwasmostlovingandindulgent,devotedtohishome,seldomleavingus,exceptinthehuntingseason.Hewasagreathunter,Ihavebeentold,andacelebratedshot.Nexttohisfamilyhelovedhisdogsandgun.Hishospitalitywasgreat,almosttoafault,andheseldomcamehomewithoutbringingaguest.Hisspecialpridewasthebiggardenwhere,itwassaid,heraisedthefinestwatermelonsandstrawberriesinthecounty;andtomehebroughtthefirstripegrapesandthechoicestberries.Irememberhiscaressingtouchasheledmefromtreetotree,fromvinetovine,andhiseagerdelightinwhateverpleasedme.
Hewasafamousstory-teller;afterIhadacquiredlanguageheusedtospellclumsilyintomyhandhiscleverestanecdotes,andnothingpleasedhimmorethantohavemerepeatthematanopportunemoment.
IwasintheNorth,enjoyingthelastbeautifuldaysofthesummerof1896,whenIheardthenewsofmyfather'sdeath.Hehadhadashortillness,therehadbeenabrieftimeofacutesuffering,thenallwasover.Thiswasmyfirstgreatsorrow-myfirstpersonalexperiencewithdeath.
HowshallIwriteofmymother?Sheissoneartomethatitalmostseemsindelicatetospeakofher.
ForalongtimeIregardedmylittlesisterasanintruder.IknewthatIhadceasedtobemymother'sonlydarling,andthethoughtfilledmewithjealousy.Shesatinmymother'slapconstantly,whereIusedtosit,andseemedtotakeupallhercareandtime.Onedaysomethinghappenedwhichseemedtometobeaddinginsulttoinjury.
AtthattimeIhadamuch-petted,much-abuseddoll,whichIafterwardnamedNancy.Shewas,alas,thehelplessvictimofmyoutburstsoftemperandofaffection,sothatshebecamemuchtheworseforwear.Ihaddollswhichtalked,andcried,andopenedandshuttheireyes;yetIneverlovedoneofthemasIlovedpoorNancy.Shehadacradle,andIoftenspentanhourormorerockingher.Iguardedbothdollandcradlewiththemostjealouscare;butonceIdiscoveredmylittlesistersleepingpeacefullyinthecradle.AtthispresumptiononthepartofonetowhomasyetnotieofloveboundmeIgrewangry.Irusheduponthecradleandoverturnedit,andthebabymighthavebeenkilledhadmymothernotcaughtherasshefell.Thusitisthatwhenwewalkinthevalleyoftwofoldsolitudeweknowlittleofthetenderaffectionsthatgrowoutofendearingwordsandactionsandcompanionship.Butafterward,whenIwasrestoredtomyhumanheritage,MildredandIgrewintoeachother'shearts,sothatwewerecontenttogohand-in-handwherevercapriceledus,althoughshecouldnotunderstandmyfingerlanguage,norIherchildishprattle.
背景色
